Angels..

..that's what you all are...Angels.

I can't begin to tell you how lovely your messages and e-mails have been.The absolute kindness of strangers.. you aren't really strangers, but you know what I mean..visual strangers if you like. You have made us feel like we have received a big hug..and it was really nice of you..thankyou. (I always worry whether I should share some of my woes on my blog..but that's just me and our life is far from a fairytale!)
I'm a bit behind on my replies, especially the ones that you can't reply to through your inbox, so I do apologise, I just wanted to tell you all how appreciated every single one was...I must admit yesterday was the turning point, hearing The Pogues on the radio singing 'Fairy tale of New york', I found myself actually feeling Christmassy..there definately was a twinge of anticipation in the air! (either that or I needed the loo!)
A relative sent a lovely gift to us on Saturday..totally out the blue, which enabled us to do a 'big' shop at the supermarket with treats and nice things in the trolley for a change and thanks to the people who purchased some of my vintage items and Christmassy toadstools, I have been able to get the boys a few more bits and bobs..whether they arrive before Christmas is another thing but that's the deal with Internet shopping!We are now going up to Northumberland on Boxing day..I can't wait..my favourite place in the world with my favourite people..I'll even get to see my Mum and Dad who are coming over from France. The neighbour is chicken and cat sitting for us and The dog will be coming with us too ..all those lovely chilly walks along the river Tyne gossiping with my big sister and putting the world to rights..a couple of days where I know we can forget about bills and worries and I know we will have a laugh..how wonderful!So there you go, there is a light at the end of the tunnel..sometimes its a bit dim, sometimes only a flicker..but it's there. We must always remain positive,no matter how bad things can get..you have to hold onto the hope.
I wanted to finish my blog on a cheerier note before Christmas, In a few days time I will have been blogging for a whole year, I never thought I would find the things to talk about or if anyone would even want to read them..but a year later here I still am.

I would like to wish you the happiest, most lovely and wonderful time..whoever you spend it with,whatever your circumstances and wherever you are .. Happy Christmas x

Christmas wishes (updated*)

Do you think if I hide under the bed, right under the bed with the suitcases waiting to go in the roof and the boxes of 'things' with no home that loiter there, Christmas will come and go and we wont notice it?
I love Christmas, really love it,but this year it's all going to be different.
We hit rock bottom yesterday.. a letter arrived in the post telling Pete to prepare himself for a very likely redundancy.He should find out today, his fate.
We have no insurance.We have no savings.We do however have an extremely large overdraft.
Scary times. Very ,very scary times.The boys have been primed that there will be no filled stockings, just a couple of things under the tree. I really hope they don't think I'm teasing like I used to when they were little, just to see their faces fill with glee at the unexpected presents that Santa Claus left for them in the night. I really hope they understand..
I couldn't even face decorating the tree this year, a tree that a nice Polish man let me have at a reduced price because I was a few quid short in my purse.Harry decorated it..he's such a good boy, it does look sweet..robins and toadstools, mooses and berries. We did have some spotty ribbon to go on it, but that can wait til next year. He's doing his best to make it all ok in a way that only a 15 year old boy knows how to.Quietly helping, doing the little things that mean a lot.
Gosh I sound a right miserable old tart don't I?.
I'm wired up to a blood pressure monitor at the moment,just coming to the end of its 24 hour stint..what a vile instrument that thing is! Needless to say I didn't get much sleep last night with the cuff round my arm suddenly inflating at hourly intervals and worrying about one thing or another..so I'm probably grumpier than usual.
The dog had a seizure and peed all over the floor, the boiler has packed in and I've had bronchitis..the recent operation I had hasn't worked it's magic yet so I'm still waiting with baited breath. I look in the mirror and see a stranger..a pasty looking person with dark rings round her eyes and no smile. I've lost the person I used to be and I'd really like her to come back for a bit.Every year we've lit a candle on Christmas eve and made a wish before bedtime. It's going to be a bit of a big one this year..I do hope he's listening!

One thing I am enjoying is other people's excitement, I love reading your happy blogs with pretty pictures and seeing what everyone else is getting up to.
This year I'm having Christmas through your eyes and it's all lovely..thankyou for that, for sharing it...for sharing the happiness with a grumpy old trout like me. x

*updated 17th December
Pete spent 7 hours awaiting his fate.Watching his work colleagues and good friends being called into a room, one after another and coming out with no job, no compensation, nothing but a look of sadness and dread on their faces.
Pete and only 2 of his colleagues still have their jobs.. for now, but they dont know how long they can keep them for.
He said it was awful, really awful ..waiting for your name to be called and knowing there's a family at home counting on you, depending on you.
Although he's pleased he has a job, I think he feels very guilty at the same time.
I can see it in his eyes.Those bright turquoise blue eyes I noticed 19 years ago are now tired and bloodshot.
One of the lads wives had just had their first baby and now today he has no job.
It's certainly become scary times we live in, very scary indeed.

Yesterday

Yesterday was the day I was dreading.

The day I found out about the biopsy and whether they had found any cancerous cells.

Yesterday was cold and pouring with rain as I stood at the bus stop wondering how I would feel today.

Yesterday as I came home from the hospital in the afternoon, the sun shone through the bus window and I noticed everything..people, dogs, birds,pretty houses tucked behind hedges I'd never noticed before, roads I hadn't seen before and wondered where they went.

An hour alone on a bus in silence is a good time to notice things.
Little things.Everyday things.

Yesterday I came home, lit a fire, made a cup of tea and breathed a sigh of relief.

They didn't find any cancerous cells.

I still have problems, other problems and will have to be monitored and poked and prodded and operated on again..but that's another day.
Thankyou for all your kind messages yesterday, it really did mean alot.

Yesterday I made these little felt toadstools, sewing away at midnight (I'm a bit slow when it comes to hand sewing) and just thinking..you know,thinking about nothing in particular but also everything.
I thought they would be quite nice hanging from the tree,we are going to have a winter woodland theme..birds and deers and the like. Harry is pestering me like crazy to get the tree.He loves the smell of Christmas, the process of decorating and the new bauble we get each year to remember it by.He has to find me some pine cones first ..that's the deal..

If you would like some little felt toadstools too, let me know..today I've added them to my shop and tomorrow I'll make some more...x

Pretty...pretty lavender hearts

ok...so this is a blatant, unashamed plug!

In between moping about feeling sorry for myself (thanks you lovely lot for your messages by the way, I really did appreciate them.. x) I have actually been making something involving buttons, ribbon, pretty fabrics and some lovely French lavender which winged it's way over from France, courtesy of my mum. They sell it on the local market sometimes in a big barrel like loose herbs! how lovely..and how very French!mmmmm smells wonderful, although I think once the room fills with the delicious smell of lavender (and the dog starts sneezing)we become a bit immune to it here, shame really.

If you wish to, you can find them here in my little shop (two of the above ones have already sold but there are still some others to choose from)
I've also added onto eBay,a large gingham lampshade and a couple of appliqued cushions from The White company that I think look very much like Greengate ones..in very Cath Kidston colours...very pretty indeedy..Links are in the side bar if you happen to need them!!
x